Sunday, January 1, 2012

Day 2 and 3 FAIL

So to answer a couple of questions, I found out on Dec. 21st. How am I dealing? I am finding it to get more difficult and why day 2 and 3 weren't really detox days for me. The thing that is difficult is that people keep telling me that the decision to have a hysterectomy is an easy one since I have three children. As true as it may be that I have 3 children and I was pretty much done anyway, the idea that I will never ever get to hold a newborn in the still of night and rock her, or feel the tenderness that comes from nursing, and the special little feeling that abounds when a new baby is brought home is right now crippling to me. A lot of people are expecting babies that I know and I am SO HAPPY for them, honestly I am and now I am wishing that maybe I could have just one more. I don't feel as done as I thought I did partly because of a dream I had earlier this week.

In this dream I dreamed of a little baby girl that was about as big as Taylor was when she was born and I saw her so vividly and saw them hand her to me and I felt what I felt for my little ones when they were first handed to me and they were MINE. As the dreamed continued quite fast paced, I went through all the feelings I described above and woke up just as I realized in my dream that this couldn't be my baby and that I wouldn't get to have her in my earthly home. At that point in the middle of the night, I began to cry a heartache I NEVER thought I would feel. I know it's really hard to describe and probably doesn't make sense but for me it is crippling right now.

The food thing is difficult and not because of what I can eat but because of the lack of versatility in my diet with those things and the fact that this weekend is a celebration weekend in many senses. I think today I even had something that had cow's milk in it. Talk about feeling defeated. I am committed to the raw food lifestyle and am realizing that it will take time to work it into my lifestyle.

The whole process of this cancer thing is overwhelming at this point. I feel tired and somewhat depressed I think. It is all I can seem to think about which is SO ANNOYING!