Sunday, January 1, 2012

Day 2 and 3 FAIL

So to answer a couple of questions, I found out on Dec. 21st. How am I dealing? I am finding it to get more difficult and why day 2 and 3 weren't really detox days for me. The thing that is difficult is that people keep telling me that the decision to have a hysterectomy is an easy one since I have three children. As true as it may be that I have 3 children and I was pretty much done anyway, the idea that I will never ever get to hold a newborn in the still of night and rock her, or feel the tenderness that comes from nursing, and the special little feeling that abounds when a new baby is brought home is right now crippling to me. A lot of people are expecting babies that I know and I am SO HAPPY for them, honestly I am and now I am wishing that maybe I could have just one more. I don't feel as done as I thought I did partly because of a dream I had earlier this week.

In this dream I dreamed of a little baby girl that was about as big as Taylor was when she was born and I saw her so vividly and saw them hand her to me and I felt what I felt for my little ones when they were first handed to me and they were MINE. As the dreamed continued quite fast paced, I went through all the feelings I described above and woke up just as I realized in my dream that this couldn't be my baby and that I wouldn't get to have her in my earthly home. At that point in the middle of the night, I began to cry a heartache I NEVER thought I would feel. I know it's really hard to describe and probably doesn't make sense but for me it is crippling right now.

The food thing is difficult and not because of what I can eat but because of the lack of versatility in my diet with those things and the fact that this weekend is a celebration weekend in many senses. I think today I even had something that had cow's milk in it. Talk about feeling defeated. I am committed to the raw food lifestyle and am realizing that it will take time to work it into my lifestyle.

The whole process of this cancer thing is overwhelming at this point. I feel tired and somewhat depressed I think. It is all I can seem to think about which is SO ANNOYING!


Chelsea said...

You don't get to count it a fail in the first couple days. You need to allow yourself a learning curve, after all this is a HUGE lifestyle change.
When I read your post, my heart broke a little bit because I have been feeling a little bit of that same ache too. Even before Kylee was born, Jeremy and I had made the decision that she would be our last child. Even though we made the choice with a lot of prayer and consideration, I have times when I question it. I hear about friends getting pregnant and see those brand-new babies and it is hard to know that I won't feel those little kicks inside or feel that little warm body snuggled on my chest. It's hard to say goodbye to that time of life, especially when you're not quite ready.
I can completely sympathize with the feeling of tired and depressed. Being sick throws a whole lot on your plate without a lot of warning and it is very overwhelming. Lean on the people who love you and want to help you. Find other people who are going through the same thing you are (support groups, etc.) because as much as your friends and family want to help, it is a huge help to talk to people who know exactly what you are dealing with and how you are feeling. I think you are doing amazing things, taking charge of your health and being aggressive and proactive from the very beginning. You also have a strong testimony and relationship with Christ to lean on, because there will be days when you feel absolutely alone. But there will also be days when you feel like you are absolutely in control and can handle anything that's thrown your way. It's so much up and down, physically, mentally, emotionally. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. I'm always willing to listen (I know the value of a good pity party) or talk things over or whatever you need. Don't be stupid like me and be too proud to ask for help when you need it.

Julie said...

Don't feel defeated! This is a major change that will take a lot of effort and working out. Just take it one step at a time. BTW, my parents favorite "milk" replacement was the Silk brand Almond Milk.

You better shape up and not be depressed or you're going to make me jump on a plane and come out and visit you. ;)

Heidi said...

No more "F" words. I won't allow it. Progress is not failure. You are strong and determined and OF COURSE it's hard so success does not come easy, but the outcome you desire is worth it so you keep moving forward (that's the only "F" word I'll allow). So everytime you think failure, preplace it with moving forward. You've got it in you, I know you do, small success lead to larger ones.

Kory Jane said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. It takes time to transition to something so drastic. Baby steps. Maybe set mini goals inside your bigger goal. I haven't had a diet soda today and it was because of you. After a couple of days I am also weaning out sugar. But going all at once can be overwhelming. Find something to smile about today. All those wonderful things you have.

Kristin said...

Such an amazing girl you are! My heart aches for you and your struggles. I hope you have people around you that are helpful and understanding. We should never just assume that a decision should be an easy one for someone. I hope you have peace and comfort with whatever you decide or must do.